I just don't know

Why is it so hard for some people to either accept, or admit that they are wrong? I remember a time when swallowing my pride to do either was like strapping me to an electric chair to be executed. But after growing up just a little I've found that life is better when I hold myself accountable for my actions and my behavior. I do have people around that hold me accountable, but I find it much easier to be completely honest with and to police myself from within listening to my own heart and conscience. Whether it's weight loss, bad/questionable behavior, or just NOT doing the right thing when I should. There are some people that I just shake my head when I encounter them because they will flit through life like everything is okay, and in fact it's just the opposite. Rather than dwelling on it I will continue to work on keeping myself in check and doing what needs to be done because I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything that is within my control.

Coming out

Well I am finally ready to admit something to myself and the world. I have a secret talent that I have been in denial about for years, and since I'm coming of age as an adult I am willing to admit my talent and try to figure out what to do with it. I've known for years that I have gaydar, but that's not my talent. I have the rare talent of sniffing out and attracting men that are ASSSHOLES! Plain and simple, if you put me in a room with 10 men or 100 men and give me time to mingle with all of them? I will inevitably be attracted to, or hit on by the biggest jackasses in the bunch. I've never been hit on by a lesbian, I don't give off that pheromone, but I do apparently give off the pheromone that attracts men that are jerks in some way shape or form. I don't know if they smell something in my body chemistry, or the look on my face, or I just look/smell/seem desperate I have found that I will end up in close confines with a man that is about as far away from prince charming as a guy can be. It bothered me, and no folks I will NOT be going gay I just don't know what to do about it. I know that I damn well cannot spend my entire life celibate but SOMETHING has to give!!! I know that prince charming is dead or possibly on the downlow but does anyone have any frog repellent???

My to do list 4 life

Well I’ve been saying that I need to make some changes and today was day 1. I actually got up early surfed the net, and even read my bible. I DEFINITELY need to spend more time in prayer and that’s my daily goal from here on. It’s going to be a struggle but there are some things in my life that I definitely need to give up to God. There are areas of my life that I need guidance, wisdom and discernment. I can’t solve problems on my own and I know this oh so well. I am going to have to re-learn how to take things to God in prayer and LEAVE them there as in not worry, fuss, and fret.

Seasons

A time to live, a time to die, a time to learn, a time to love...I remember hearing that song from the 70's "Turn, turn, turn" and I thought it was a great song even as a little kid. When I saw Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 it was like a light bulb moment for me. Each verse is a life lesson to be taken to heart. As an adult I've seen some of the seasons in my own life. Knowing that there are seasons doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Some things are obvious...when my babies were born that was a time to rejoice, and when my grandfather died that was definitely a time to mourn and be sad. Ecc 3:2b-3 A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. The other times are not so obvious, what do we do then? What is the cutting off point? I know people who pray and fast for days at a time, and others who profess to hearing God audibly speaking to them. Maybe my head is just really thick, because I have had 2 experiences in my life that kind of scared me because for a split second I thought I was going crazy. Later I realized that one of them was a vision, and the other I'm still like did God say that? Yes I am that person that occasionally needs God to bump my head against the wall for me to get the point. If I'm praying, fasting and thinking a season is over do I just stand up and say that out loud? Knowing when to move on and make MAJOR life changes used to be such a problem with me, if a change caused ANY type of disruption in my routine I would fight it with my last breath. I'm a little older and wiser and I have been feeling this change coming on (nope, not menopause). I feel like I've been watching it building for a long time now, and it's about to hit like a tornado. I need to get in my prayer corner and be sure that I am prayed up and ready, I think there's a battle ahead of me. I'm going to put my prayer girls on notice, I definitely need some extra help on this one.

I've turned into my momma

Yes it's my turn to say uh-oh as I laugh at other parents going through things with their children. My beautiful, bright/slacker daughters have reached that fork in the road of teenaged jackassery. They don't know it but they lead a very charmed life for this day and age. They don't HAVE to take the school bus in the mornings when it's cold as heck outside. Mom will occasionally stop at the donut shop, or bk on the way to school and I even let them control my radio some mornings. Having recently turned 13 they finally got a "real" cell phone for their birthday a few months ago (the "go" phone wasn't real). They had always been good students making honor roll, last year they were inducted into the national jr honor society. After a move the beginning of the school year they actually changed schools 3 times in about 2 weeks (the schools screw up, not mine) but we managed to survive. They got settled in and even made some new friends, all the while the girls were reminded to keep their grades up and stay focused on school. Their grades had even been okay since the beginning of the school year. For some reason they were under the impression that 13 is the new 18, but the parental units weren't going for it.

Every day they are asked the routine questions 1)how was school, 2)have any homework 3)what is it, 4)what's going on at school. Well the other night the girls are chillin' on the PS2 and having a good time when their dad busts in the door and says "turn the tv off and give up your cell phone, now". I'm thinking he has finally flipped out and gone crazy (that's another story). No that wasn't it, in the mail we had received letters that that girls are on ACADEMIC PROBATION! WHAT??!!! They of course managed to get that blank faced stare as if the letter was written in swahili, then they both wanted to read it as if the words would change and the letters would be addressed to another family. NOT! These little hags have slacked themselves right into academic probation. Academic probation says future welfare recipients, working at rainbow clothing with no benefits. Some people work some jobs because they have to, but damnit my kids will be able to work anywhere and do anything as long as they apply themselves. It's time for a new life lesson so for now no more tv, no cell phone, and no social activities outside of these 4 walls and immediate family. They look like they don't care, but if they know like I know they will get straight because life is hard when you piss of the parental units. If they don't show any type of remorse or improvement by next week I am going to make them take the bus to school. Let my little pampered princesses remember what it's like to stand outside in the elements at 7am when it's about 37 degrees waiting on a bus that's 20 minutes late. Did I mention parent-teacher conferences are next week? It may just be time for those good old skool ass beatings. Remember when your momma would beat you while she was talking to you? And she would beat your ass to the rhythm of what she was saying? I need to do a little yoga, because I think I am going to have to handle some business with them. These damn kids, I need a drink. Where's my citrus SKyy?

Friendship

Friends are what? People you've known for years? People who've seen you through good and bad? People who know your dirty secrets and still love you for the person you are WAY deep inside? Those who co-sign on your every word, or those who condemn you EVERY time you do wrong? I have learned that I have some pretty good friends that I've picked up along the way in life and didn't even realize it.

My good friends are those who snicker when I do wrong, but let me know "btw you know you're out of line". Those who can hear it in my voice when I look okay, but sound like my puppy got run over. A true friend hears your voice, looks at your face, but sees your heart. True friendship is not telling people what they want to hear it's telling the barebottom truth no matter how it feels. Not leaving your people out in the cold, and no matter how you feel wanting the best for that person. Good friends really are hard to find some will throw you under the bus for a drink, a date, sex (great or not so great), or because they don't have anything better to do. I don't know about you but I'm over 35 and it's time to evaluate, cut my losses and really get on with my life. Those who listen and care are the ones to keep. It's not only time to check my friends, but it's time to make sure that I'm being a friend. It's 2009 take a minute and start checking who's got YOUR back. Is it friend or faker?